Can’t wait for a fashion brand to sponsor my funeral

There are seven sacraments in the Catholic church: baptism, eucharist, confirmation, reconciliation, marriage, holy orders, and the anointing of the sick – all of which are seemingly being rewritten by celebrities and luxury brands as major co-branding coups. While last year saw Demna (unofficially) costume the divorce proceedings of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, this weekend played host to Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker’s wedding, as “hosted” by Dolce & Gabbana in Villa Olivetta on the brand’s Portofino estate.

With Kim, Khloé, Kris, Kendall, and Kylie photographed in a carousel of total-ensemble looks, every touchpoint of the noted-finger-suckers’ holy matrimony was wrapped in black lace, mediterraneo prints, and pseudo-religious ornamentation – the event reaching its zenith when Kourtney walked the aisle in a satin Alto Moda minidress and sweeping, hand-embroidered veil, emblazoned with the face of the Virgin Mary. And of course, no wedding is complete without a portside pop-up store, giving D&G’s approved guests (and onlookers) the opportunity to shop their way into the nuptials.

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Technically the couple’s third “wedding”, the brand denied penning any kind of sponsorship deal with Kravis. Rather, a spokesperson explained that founders Stefano Gabbana and Domenico Dolce were “hosting this happy event” – employing the kind of elusive language redolent of Gucci and Balenciaga’s hacking and Fendace’s swap. Not only was the Portofino ceremony a first for fashion publicists, it marks Dolce & Gabbana’s reemergence into the spotlight, having spent the last few year’s toiling against Gabbana’s social media outbursts – including when the designer lambasted the Kardashian Klan as “the most cheap people in the world”.

Though famous people have long plundered their most personal moments for publicity – it was Kourtney, after all, who televised the birth of her first child on Keeping Up – what all of this spells for the future of celebrity is clear. Births, funerals, graduations, adoptions, and however many other intimate milestones are but a commercial blueprint for sponcon co-ventures. La Dolce Vita, indeed!