Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. There wasn’t much to Simon Porte Jacquemus’ wedding to Marco Maestri, which took place in the designer’s hometown over the weekend – just a handful of witnesses, a couple of breadsticks, and speeches read off an iPhone. 

The low-key ceremony kicked off with the happy couple arriving at their town hall venue in butterscotch convertibles, outside which fans were cordoned off by metal railings while locals clambered onto balconies to get a better look. Dua Lipa arrived in a custom SS23 dress, while almost every other attendee was also dressed in Jacquemus creations.

The reception was held in Provençal’s woodlands, backdropped by a retina-burning sunset, and a giant film which narrated the duo’s love story before they stood on-top of their own cake. Perhaps most unsurprisingly, Simon himself was first on the makeshift Eurodance club’s floor, as he emerged in a wedding gown at the end of the night, encouraging guests to slip into one of the 100 other dresses he brought along with him. 

The understated gathering didn’t even see the couple badger Dua into getting up to sing a couple of old-timey crooner ballads, as they instead enlisted Simon’s brother-and-father-band to do a rendition of “Le Temps de L’Amour”, which is testament to the designer’s values – as was his decison to ask his grandmother to walk him down the aisle, and host the dinner on the same road that led to his late mother’s house.

Having met in 2018, the designer and Maestri announced their engagement on June 6, and during their vows, Simon paid homage to their union by delivering a long list of the things he loves about his husband, à la his Instagram bio. But where IG reads “J’AIME LE BLEU ET LE BLANC, LES RAYURES, LE SOLEIL, LES FRUITS, LA VIE, LA POÉSIE, MARSEILLE ET LES ANNÉES 80”, Simon got a little more risqué. “J’aime ta bite”, he revealed at one point, which translates roughly to “I like your dick” – which is surely a good place to start!

Though the distant sound of a thousand fashion fans playing “That Should Be Me“ can still be heard echoing out across the region, we’d like to take this moment to say “toute nos félicitations“ to Simon and Marco, who found love in a hopeless place and warmed our cynical, stony hearts – if only for a brief moment.